Put your pants on!

A meme sent to me by a friend sums it up

[The end is nigh, or so they say.  The end to the long 54 day lockdown. The end to a whole lot of Lockdown Live superstars and home concerts on Facebook, cooking expertise, yummy recipes, expert opinions and confessions of Who's-in-Charge stories at home.  And perhaps the end of this lockdown blog?  Not so sure, it could become the "new normal".  So herewith my sacrilegious observations on some of the dress sense and etiquette shown during lockdown online programs.  As usual, laugh, share, comment, or delete.]

I guess you've all seen memes like the one above, where everyone dresses for their official meetings, only from the waist up.  You've probably also seen videos of the same guy getting up to get something and revealing the rest of his torso, clothed loosely in wrinkled night pants, at best. Or you might recall the 'family' video where one of the ladies walks with her mobile to the loo, drops her jeans and has a wee one while the rest of the international family online is aghast in Gallery view!  And then this smart young executive looking dashing onscreen till her husband wanders by in his chaddis, notices he's in full view, tries to rush off screen and collides with some furniture!  All hilarious, though embarrassing situations brought on by the sudden need of the human race to video-call each other. 

For those of you who know me, which is everyone on my list, you would know that I have attended and hosted several online events ranging from music to quiz to chat shows and even dance in these days -- here are some experiences which need a little learning in online etiquette to say the least.

Faces on Livebook

Suddenly, everyone and anyone is on Facebook Live.  It's fantastic.  The amount of fresh new talent, even in people who are over the hill, is encouraging.  New performance Groups have started, old groups have started Lockdown Performances and Contests.  After this is over, I hope we have an overflow of talent shows!  However, many of these begin with the presenter or performer looking into the camera and going, "Is there anybody out there?".  With a little echoed "Hello .. hello .. hello" this could have been the start of a Pink Floyd classic.  Sometimes followed by "Ah!  There's Asmita.  Hi Asmita, good to see you (wave)", and a few other pleasantries before the program actually starts.  Since the performer can't really see the audience, though FB Live prompts you to type something so that they know you are there, it's very difficult to really go live until you know you have an audience.  My advice is, think of it as a TV program, just go online and let people drop by when they can - don't delay the ones who did come on time, or they may leave.

Dressed to kill

How do you dress for a Lockdown video session?  My advice: dress like you would for the same session outside.  Last Friday we had a virtual band night, with performers suitably dressed for the occasion.  We noticed some of the audience had also dressed appropriately, bells and whistles and all,  down to the shoes!  That had such a powerful motivational impact on the performers.  It's just showing that you care.  But of course, the rest of them were in 'home clothes' ranging from the nighty to gownless evening straps, from half pant to house pant and fortunately, no lungies. 

The other thing that affects performers is perceived comfort -- people lazily lounging around on their beds are fine I guess, but not for a session on  exercise or dance.  The other night one such person typed "Excellent.  We are all enjoying the music" into the chat box.  I chanced a glimpse at her window to see her in her nightie, yawning widely, fluffing up her pillows and giving herself a comforting scratch while obviously waiting for the show to end.  The performers can see you, even if you have your screen on 'Speaker Mode'.

Gross misbehaviour

Talking about scratching, it's most disgusting to see people developing an itch online, and attacking it in full public view, regardless of which part of the anatomy needs a good scratch. Many people are unaware that they are being watched by the ever present cameras at all times.  And regardless of the centre of focus, there is a tendency of other viewers to get distracted by sudden movement anywhere on the screen.  Some of my favourite avoidable actions include excavation of the nose -- once followed by what was obviously a tasty morsel (yuck!) -- and ear digging ceremonies, with a close peer at the wax.  There are less gross distractions such as people walking around with their smartphone cameras on, taking the word 'mobile' to a whole new level.  We get to see the house, the cobwebs on the ceiling, other family members and close ups of noses, ears, and the insides of pockets.  I have no idea why these people keep their videos running.  Easiest thing in the world is to shut off your video if you are going to get active during a program - especially when you're pouring yourself another Jack Daniels and Coke.

Conductors and Cooks

Showing that you are enjoying  a musical performance is understandable.  Last week we had an elderly gentleman (on mute, thankfully) who sang along with the performer, waving his arms and conducting the symphony from the safety of the armchair.  Lovely!  Performers love involvement like that - clap in timing, swing your arms, smile, give non-verbal feedback and type your comments in the chat box.  The week before, when we had a chat between a host and an author, the entire performance was enjoyable -- not only the chat in focus, the other one which had this lovely lady in her kitchen, on mute, cooking up the dinner to the background sound of the chat.  We were saved from the noise of pots and pans and pressure cookers but I was distracted enough to almost push the button and inform her that the daal was ready (three whistles). There are others who play video games and solve puzzles during sessions - multi tasking it's called.  For the sake of art, please turn your video off -- you will not be missed.

Screen stalkers and deafening mutes

There is always a fine line between turning your video off for a genuine reason and keeping your video off so that the performers can see silent black screens staring back at them.  One young lady performer told me it was so "eerie" to imagine what the "stalker" looked like. Well that's how it appears to us on stage - black windows, a bunch of faceless stalkers, no reactions, just being there, unseen.  Some conferencing apps allow the host to block those people ... I'm thinking about it.

Most hosts have figured out that keeping an audience on Mute is a very good way to manage a session without disturbance.  My own technique is to mute all but the performers and do not allow them to unmute themselves.  However, an audience has to applaud and give feedback too.  We manage this by the Unmute All button at a logical break in the program.  This has its own dangers of course.  Apart from the Wah!  Good song! or Lovely voice messages, you might get a "Hi there Ronny" where Ronny is the daknaam of someone else in the audience. 

But the worst possible experience I faced was when, at the end of the show, we unmuted everyone to say goodbye and make their final comments, we were drowned out by someone, obviously on a phone, advising his caller to "Buy it at 150, not more.  When it hits 150, buy it!" -- apparently shares on the stock market.  Something he wouldn't have wanted shared had he taken stock of his situation.  I had no option but to end the meeting for all before the audience rushed off to buy whatever he was recommending.

What's your experience of video conference bloopers? Please leave a comment. Share this with others.