Hair Today, Hairier Tomorrow

Image by Александр Красовский from Pixabay 

[This one is some sort of hair-raising tale, which had me in splits for awhile till someone pointed out that split ends are not the best thing to have. Read on, if your experiences resonates with those featured here -- names changed to protect identity which is already protected by unrecognizability -- please do share, comment, laugh.]

As I have often confessed, I spend more time in the Library of Facebook and Instagram than is recommended by the University of WhatsApp.  So, friends and relations aside, a lot has been gleaned from those ancient tomes!  Not the least of which is the fact that if we don't visit the barber we will look barbaric.  Weak puns. But anything is welcome in this period of intellectual starvation.  Another meme has a picture of a pile of money, with a Barber and a Divorce Lawyer silhouetted against the backdrop accompanied by the phrase, "After the lockdown".  Yet another poster decries the absence of selfies in these days of lockdown. No one wants the social world laughing at their expense -- or their expanse, as the case may be.

It's expected that there will be long lines at the barbers' once it's safe to venture out, despite the warnings to the contrary.  Hair has this strange pattern of behaviour, like a bottle of caju feni,  it grows on you.  And for some men who are accustomed to their monthly "short back and sides" that creeping growth around the collar can be disconcerting.  And it doesn't help to know that the virus has got you by the short and curlies.

Browbeating

But if there is one thing that distinguishes sapiens from neanderthal man, it's probably the eyebrows -- guess I need to include women as a species too.  Especially after that poster that says, Don't bother about your eyebrows. Have you ever heard a man tell his friend, "You should see her eyebrows?"  I've seen some frightening pictures of how we might look without the occasional plucking of the brow -- brows joined in the centre, a thick 'moustache' across the forehead, finely tuned arches totally collapsed in disarray.  No wonder there are expressions of shock when people come online with their new look.  "What happened to you?" must be the faux pas of the year!  Of course, while this does largely relate to eyebrows, it could also relate to the sudden sporting of a dashing moustache, almost matching one's husband, except that he might have a greying beard to boot. 

Men will be Boys

Guys with hair like mine, wiry, barbed-wiry or just plain curly, have long struggled with the comb, eventually abandoning it for a more natural look, using the German comb in despair. In fact, with my shock of white hair, I am somewhere between Suhel Seth and Albert Einstein (limited to hairstyle, please). 

Those fortunate to have a slight wave will now have a larger wave, not yet a tsunami. Those who have nice straight hair have graduated to pokers which, given time, will lie peacefully down the backbone.  I'm told that a smidgen of gel works wonders.

And then there are the pilgarlics (surprised?  look it up) - the bald or almost bald or those with a St Anthony's ring of hair.  This latter group will now have a well padded eagle's nest with something suspiciously like a shiny, ostrich egg in the middle. At any rate, for all of us guys, there's the return of the rock star look that we can't avoid.  And the school kids are going bananas, not to mention looking like orangutans.

Edward Scissorshands

But wait, there is hope.  News is trickling in that other family members, mainly the long suffering wives, are turning their attention towards developing tonsorial skills.  God save us, I hear you cry!  But some of the practice pieces I have seen are not too bad.  One friend of mine took a total of three selfies -- before, during and after.  Before resembled a grizzly just out of bed.  During was the most confusing -- half his hair was shorter than the other half.  Eventually, after carefully trying to balance the two sides by trimming the longer ...After was the best - not a hair was left. Well, the skin heads are also part of that rock star generation. 

I'm not sure if that is the story of the other friend, an excellent singer, who refuses to go on Lockdown Live because he is naked from the ears up!  Says nudity is against FB rules! My suggestion that he wear a hat and perhaps sing through it was met with snorting derision.

Yet another daring guy who posted on FB claimed he had managed a haircut himself with a D-I-Y kit (and mirror vision).  He has now embarked on a starve-the-barber campaign.  But the most triumphant pictures are actually posted by the wives who claim they have now cutting skills to match their cutting remarks.  Delilah to Samson, methinks.

Salute to Salons

We are also discovering what else happens in those abandoned salons.  We are not talking about the one which was used to stock alcohol -- a noble enterprise had the alcohol been isopropyl.  I have seen my friendly neighbourhood turn a head or two.  Graceful ladies with beautiful black locks, once grey, are showing signs of silver.  Silver threads are becoming silver locks.  A few dye-hards are experimenting with red, burgundy and blue, home application with a few strokes gone awry. And the perennial problem of no shampoo to ensure the extra strokes on their skin disappear.  And the root of the problem are the roots that become more apparent as hair grows - hair apparent?

Along with the hair, of course, the nails keep growing.  Years of applying nail polish, often to ensure you don't chew your fingernails, have given way to manicure by chewing. Blame it on nervousness, the nails are being kept trim.  At the most, those gloves could come in useful to get you to the salon unchallenged by Macbeth.  Come to think of it, the masks could manage the facial hair too.

Despite all the exercise, we can't do the same to our toe nails, for a quick pedicure.  Rumour has it that only babies and yogis can put their foot in their mouth. Hope I haven't put mine there.

There's always Photoshop

While on Facebook you can't avoid the dozens of free online classes in photo and video editing. A lot of people are going to be very proficient in editing skills after the lockdown judging from the excellent stuff being posted online -- a star is born every minute. I would probably do another write up on that.  But for the present it wouldn't hurt to touch up a selfie or two.