Banking on the SIP

Images by 3D Animation Production Company and Nattanan Kanchanaprat from Pixabay

[This time it's about banks and their social distancing from customers in the time of Covid-19. Purely my own experiences and a bit of hearsay from others around me.  And yes, this article took longer than usual as I was ... well, read on and leave a comment or your own experience to which we can relate.  Would love to hear from you.]

I spent the better part of two days at a modest running rate of 3 hours a day trying to get my bank website and mobile app to respond to the wishes of my RM - that's Relationship Manager for the uninitiated. The RM is the person (for those who are contemplating this step) who grabs you by the proverbial collar once your savings hit a certain level prescribed by the bank. He (or she in some cases) then proceeds to take you under his (or her) wing and nurture the growth of your piggy bank. with sound advice - more sound than advice at times.  As the picture above shows, this could well be a fattened pig that is then made to look like those stacks of pennies with foliage popping out of them. I believe it indicates growth.

Distant Relationships

Precisely what has happened to most of our money in these trying times.  My RM gently held my hand (over the e-waves of course) and explained to me, with a tear in his voice, not to look at the IRR in the last column.  I knew you would, so did I.  In some places it said -90% and in all places there was a minus sign preceding the figure.  Hoping against hope that it would actually be a hyphen instead, I asked him if it meant I was losing money.  Naturally, being a trained RM, he guided me away to other columns and explained why he needed me to shift some funds from here to there. Then started the travail. No matter how I clicked, cajoled, approached the various screens, they responded with "Please try again after some time".  I did.  Again and again on different days at different times hoping I would catch the system unawares. A soulless cartoonish bloke kept popping up on the screen with a message, "We will help you manage your money". There were other messages including a hypnotic blue ring that kept going round and round (in circles, like me) till I changed channels to watching the latest serial on the tumble-dryer.

Nothing Safer than Home

So, that long scene-setting was to bring you onto the same page as I am.  The banks' responses to the pandemic.  Stay home!  They advise.  Stay Safe! They plead.  And sometimes you wish you had stayed home, with your money in a safe!  The advertisements come thick and fast.  XYZ Bank looks after you, from a distance.  Use internet banking channels for all your needs.  All you have to do is fill in this form online.  Done.  Then input the OTP.  Done (that means my mobile number is registered).  Then wait hopefully - still doing that.  Then ... PING!  "Please visit your branch to complete the formalities."  Please visit your branch .. out on a limb this time.  My branch, truth be told, is not operational as only a few branches are being kept open. Check!

So, send a mail to customercare@xyz.com.  Ping!  A mail!  "This is an auto-generated mail, please do not reply.  Your complaint has been registered with reference number <that-which-cannot-be-remembered>.  We will get back to you within 2 working days".  Notice - "working days" - that rules out everything between Covid-19 and Anything-20, because the branch is closed!  Checkmate.

Invest one SIP at a time

One of the banks sends me messages saying "Bank on SIP" and some clever copywriter puts an asterisk and explains, in floodlit letters "SIP = Stay Indoors Please".  In smaller, but other floodlit text, a sniggering copywriter informs you that now is the time for (SIP) Systematic Investment Plans. The market is down (oh!  so that's what the minus signs mean?) and now is the time to BUY.  Amazingly good plan except that I'm not sure what we can buy with?  Money? From where?  In walks the RM. It's easy, sir.  All you have to do is take out some money from SWP (no, it's not Stay Well Protected, it's Systematic Withdrawal Plan) and then, when the money "hits" your bank after T+3 which is a specially generated code for sometime next week, you can systematically invest it again somewhere where the minus signs are smaller.  Voila!  QED! Eureka! or any other foreign phrase would do here.  Except, does the online system work? Nada, Nein, Non, you get the drift?

Digging for Gold

And then, there's always the naysayer who has decent enough proof that Banks are not the place to keep your money -- look at all the Mallyas, Modis and sundry other people who have made off with their millions causing mergers, acquisitions and expressions of helplessness.  Nor is the stock market the place to invest - it's going to go down even further, it's going to pierce the 4k mark (poor Mark), it will take another 5-6 years after corona to get back to normal by which time if the virus doesn't get you, old age will.  So?  You ask, a little incredulously -- no one from Trump to breakfast has been able to predict the course of the virus but some guys know exactly how and when the stock market will react. And then the trump card - buy gold!  Not just gold on paper, but gold as in McKenna's stash, or California '49, but not Bonds -- I was thinking of Goldfinger, but never mind.  And Gold is going to go up by $200 per whatever-they-measure and everyone will be lining up to buy it instead of gas.

Non Performing Asses

NPA - if you thought it meant Non Performing Asset, think again. In my dictionary, NPA stands for "No Problemo Amigo", a phrase I borrowed from the Mexicans to listen, confuse myself and do nothing. But since all assets are  non-performing at the moment, including some people who WFH (work from home, for those who came in late), NPA could also be next year's No Pay Appraisals. There's a plant (not shown in the picture) which could really help control the virus, we hear. Plant your ass on the couch and don't move out - non performing asses in reality.

So, to end my little rant about the banks let me share another conundrum.  In the midst of all this bending over backwards to keep us away from the counters, banks have also sent their final ultimatum for renewing my KYC details. I have been summoned to a closed branch before the end of the lock down to submit my papers (suitably disinfected?), duly self-attested, without touching them, to a bank staff member who is safely locked down, preferably without sneezing within six feet of him (or her).  And that's only if I can get through the lathi-happy policemen who object to everyone other than themselves roaming around.

Stay Home!  Stay Safe!  Stay Hydrated with SIPs of your favourite beverage.  Cheers!

Disclaimer:  Any resemblance to any any bank, software, RM or quoted friend is purely intentional, though your names shall forever remain safely locked down, with no growth prospects, like my money.