Flattening the Curves

(A disclaimer: My writing is largely tongue-in-cheek, based on observations entirely my own. I would like your feedback but do not wish to engage in debate on my views which are, at best, very loosely held, more like my pyjamas than anything earth-shakingly serious!)

Sorry, my readers. I received a few reminders yesterday about the next episode in the saga of the locked-down commentator. Yesterday was Sunday. I kept repeating this a few times as most people had forgotten which day of week we were on. The new calendar as published in the newspapers (yes, I still get that in papyrus!) is "Day 4 of 21, and 17 days to go" -- just in case you're forgetting your math along with your sense of time. Sunday it was and a day of rest for those who would imitate the Creator. As the messages started coming in, my Spotify feed was continually disturbed by the dropout due to incoming beeps. Spotify is my preferred background to my brisk socially distanced walk on the terrace every evening, so you can imagine my annoyance as a pretty expressive Chick Corea piano rift goes "beep beep" instead. I soon discovered that the switch on the OnePlus allows nothing through except phone calls - bliss!

Exercise and Reduce

The daily terrace walk got me thinking about the various health and hygiene initiatives that have been hammering my various inboxes over the last few days. The memes with the couple that are wondering how to get through the door after lockdown is lifted, the inescapable pic of Modi-ji addressing the nation as "Hathiyon" instead of "Mitron", lots of Before and After ads for six-pack development are all fighting for space with the well-meaning advice from friends on various channels. From the in-your-face muscle building programs being offered in the comfort of your homes (did someone say it would be comfortable?), to the rubberized yogis offering their contorted frames for emulation, to the nubile young Zoom-ba instructors online, to the simple, daily leg lifting, seat wobbling, free-hand calisthenics, I have seen them all.

Stop Eating, Reduce Growing

Then there is the eating advice -- reduce input to reduce fat build-up, use the latest diet, skip a meal, fast to beat the fat -- all assuming that it's because of eating that one is going to become ungainly, enormous, overweight and more. So far no one has discovered that most people hang around most of the day in their stretchable night-wear which leaves plenty of room for expansion. At least three well-meaning groups have indicated that dinner should be through by 7 p.m. and then eat nothing till the morning breakfast - there's a fancy name for it, it's called Intermittent Fasting! One gentleman has proposed walking up and down your staircase till you reach 70% capacity. I have no idea why 70% or how it can be measured in stairs-per-capacity. One of my good friends admitted he climbs 32 flights of stairs, followed by a bath -- I am sure he meant UP, not DOWN the stairs, that would have been easy. But I am impressed.

Stop Drinking, Increase Immunity

That's the latest one! A fake message doing the rounds that purchase, sale and consumption of alcohol is contributing to lower immunity in the human race and therefore banned under some section of the law! Along with the fake messages, the dispensers of this advice add their own 'masala' and threaten all sorts of consequences from death by virus to incarceration at the local police thana and, as a last resort, reporting to Alcoholics Anonymous!

Trust in the Spirit

No, not the one in the paragraph above. This is the real inner spirit, the strength within man (and woman) that allows us to fight any external disease, provided we are willing to get spiritual about it. At the risk of stepping on religious toes, I just love the suggestions about reading one chapter of a holy book daily - it will probably have no effect on your girth, but it would definitely add to your education. Then there are the meditation sessions which are organized on Facebook at some ungodly hour of day or night -- Facebook For The Spirit, a new business line? By now you would have realized I have moved subtly from physical health to spiritual health. A short side-step and you're in the area of Mental Health. Someone is always "listening" and posting the message on their walls. Don't worry, they won't break curfew and land up at home. but at least, as Sir Walter de la Mare wrote, they will remain The Listeners! However, in a more sober vein, I think this is the most important message that I have received - I live along with three adult children and a wife!

Fat or Fit?

What's your choice? Who cares? There are some of my friends who are "built for comfort, they ain't built for speed" as Howlin' Wolf sang about himself. There are some who, in this lockdown might exchange an expansive chest for a stomach to match. There are some whose six-pack abs will grow a comfort protection padding. Regretfully, there are many whose stomachs might actually move to concave from convex, taking the curve flattening to the opposite quadrant. There are some whose curves will go from flattening to flattering. As I said, who cares? I would prefer to hang out with a nice, fat book which would add to my experience, my knowledge and my pleasure over this period. How about you?